An excerpt from the novel, “The Ruffian’ by:
Kevin John Ragnarsson Wilson Lee Clarke
————————————————————————
My Mother’s passing left me hollow. I felt now I had nothing. Everyone I ever loved had departed, left me. I was immersed in a sense of misery and self-pity. Feeling unloved, worthless …
Years later, I still wonder what might have been if Sean hadn’t come into our lives. I know I shouldn’t look back, mother always used to say the next life was inevitable so we should look to enjoy the time we have now, without regret.
I did listen to what mum said although being so self absorbed, the importance of what she meant at the time didn’t resonate, not until another old friend came back into my life …
Mo and I had casually met up not long after I’d returned from Ireland, almost ‘bumping into each other’ in Wooler where she now owned the local antiques shop. We’d always exchange pleasantries and of course the chat was of common memories, ‘the days of old,’ together at school, it was curt conversation and nothing more.
Then one day … I must have been feeling particularly sorry for myself when Mo declared ‘You look like an empty shell! Whatever is the matter?
She was concerned, always sincere, she wondered about me, asking what was the certain something I’d lost? Even then I couldn’t bring myself to tell my story. After all, I still had the police watching, apparently with an ‘open file.’ Always a reminder to ‘keep my mouth shut.’
Whenever I began to feel better I was reminded of my past. They continued to delve into all sorts of background history and I felt as if I was under ‘house arrest’ with no-one I could to talk to.
The fact was, the happy go-lucky Michael that Mo once knew wasn’t around just now.
During our conversations I would mention the loss of my mother, how this had affected me and that this had made me the way I was. This became my shield. In truth I had nothing I dare talk about with anyone, (let alone Mo) for the memory of Sean still haunted me and to even think … that Mo and I could possibly be close friends??
“Pull yourself together Michael, you know your ma wouldn’t like to see you like this.”
The thought of a relationship never seriously crossed my mind. When it did, it terrified me although deep down I knew if I was to progress my life, I had to trust again and move on at some point.
Mo could see I had issues, call it women’s intuition. I have Mo to thank for many things and I think it was brave of her when, as we shared a smile outside her shop, she approach me with ‘a plan.’
Little did I know the most important indebtedness I owed was to come …
‘Michael, I need a favour. Would you accompany me to Edinburgh?’
‘I have a cousin I haven’t seen for years and she’s quite poorly. I have a car, but I don’t drive, would you be able to take me? We’d be back for the weekend?’
Surprising myself, I uttered a jumbled, confused reply … ‘Edinburgh?
OK, only if you let me buy the fish and chips … er, Dinner?
………..
Two days later we were off, 60-odd miles to Edinburgh, chatting all the way as old friends do. There was much to catch up on although I was wary and understood that it would take some time before I’d be able to drop my guard. To have the courage and confidence in disclosing the full story of how I’d gained the confidence of an IRA captain? I wasn’t sure I could discuss it with anyone as it still frightened me.
I need not have bothered, Mo was full of catch-up conversation, all chit-chat, nothing I needed to be specifically guarded about and by mid-afternoon we were checking in to the Edinburgh Balmoral Hotel.
‘Mr and Mrs Collins please,’ Mo declared.
We were given the key to the best suite the hotel had available. Anxiety now set in at the thought of sharing a room with Mo and so I was relieved to see that it was a twin suite. Smiling now, I handed the bell boy a good tip as Mo phoned down for snacks.
‘What time would you like dinner?’ I asked.
Unbeknownst to me, Mo had ordered Champagne and of course this was to set the tone. Mo and I were soon in each others’ arms … dinner can wait, she breathed into my ear.
That night was planned as a night on the town, drinks and a meal, just the two of us. Mo and I would see her cousin at elevenses tomorrow, so we had plenty of time to become better acquainted.
Edinburgh was ours for a few short days and I dared to imagine how it could continue. Was I ready? Was Mo ready (or deserving) to hear my story. No, not yet, I can’t spoil it now!?
Next day we called in to see Mo’s family from her mother’s side. Her cousin was living with mum after a bout of surgery and she was so happy to see Mo. This was to be a welcome wake-up for me with a note to myself to ‘catch up on family!’
Returning to the City, Mo was directing traffic, pointing the way as we walked, she said … “let’s go in there, they say they are best fish and chips served in Scotland. What do you think? The aroma coming down the street would make anyone hungry.”
Now I recognised where we were. The pub we were heading toward was familiar during the days I was with Sean, almost five years ago. It was called the Queens Arms and, as I shuddered as I entered, it was if someone had walked over my grave. I felt faint and for a split second my whole body shivered.
Mo chose a table as I excused myself and made my way to the toilet. At the wash basin, I stood in front of the wall mirror, drying my hands and face with a paper towel. I swear it was the very same mirror in place when Sean and I were lovers. I was transfixed as I peered at my reflection in the mirror. Was that me? I swore out loud as Sean’s familiar, predatory face was gazing back at me.
I almost lunged at his ghostly vision, instead I spat … “You evil bastard!?”
All those years ago Sean was always suffering with an upset stomach, and I remembered laughing at Sean, saying “I hope your backside is sore and tender, sandpaper rubbed raw!”
During our time here long ago, Sean had come out of the cubicle, just as I saw now – standing behind me, wrapping his arms about me. He leaning over my shoulder to throw his tongue down my throat, delivering his customary sloppy wet kiss,!
“Don’t you laugh at me with the runs, whatever I’ve got now – you’ll have it tomorrow!”
It was too real, too much for me. I was unsettled and lashed out, gazing deeply into that same mirror and through his reflection, I uttered “Sean it was you, only you who made me feel truly sick, when I got rid of you, I was rid of my sickness! Now F**k off Irish bastard!”
I looked over my shoulder once more, just as a strangers voice asked:
Are you Ok mate?
© 2023 Kevin John Ragnarsson Wilson Lee Clarke
CharlieKenny.me 